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* Jessie *

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[16 Mar 2008|12:55am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i seriously need to learn exactly what i want and dont want. cause i am so goddamn indecisive. i'm pretty lonely. And i dont think its just the fact that i'm missing a boyfriend, i just dont have any close friends around WPI at the moment. i dont have anyone i can call and just be like, "hey, you wanna hang out?" whenever i'm bored or something. mcghee is always with andrew, maggie is always with joe, and my other friends i'm not on that level of closeness with. I just have no special someone to go to. craig is gone for the term, and if he was here, he'd be around to fill my void (of friendship, that is). but this afternoon i was just sitting here alone in my apartment and i was super lonely. i didnt wanna watch TV or do homework. i wanted to be hanging with friends, but everyone was busy or doing their own thing. I had no one to call. So instead, i decided it'd be a good idea to IM Dan. Of course that got me thinking, "hey, maybe we should get back together." And of course i know that i REALLY dont want to do that cause if i wasnt completely happy the first time around, what makes me think i'm going to be happier the second time around? but part of me is just lonely and wants to hang out with him. I honestly want to be friends with him, just friends, cause we have fun together. We dont have to be dating, but we can just out as friends. But he still isnt over me, and i'm having crazy mixed thoughts/feelings, so hanging out probably isnt the best idea. I dont know what has gotten into me lately. And when i go to parties, i'm looking for someone to be interested in, or looking for something. There are times when i just wanna hook up with someone. but thats not really my thing...although its something that could easily happen. There is always some guy interested somewhere. its 75% men at WPI, so its not like its difficult finding some guy to be interested/to hook up with. But i know i shouldnt be doing that. ugh.

i reallllllly really just wanna be single and not deal with men for a while. but its difficult with sooooooooo many guys around. and its especially difficult when i'm lonely (boyfriend wise and friend wise).

Give it to me baby!

[12 Mar 2008|12:52am]
[ mood | pensive ]

i still wonder about my life.  i still wonder if T and i were still really meant to be together forever (cause i felt that way once, and what are the odds that i'm gonna feel that way about someone else again?).  He's changed so much, and so have i, and i dont even think we'd be compatable anymore. We basically can't stand eachother, and it makes me want to forget him completely. But i just can't because we spent basically two years of our lives together. the first two years of college together. I dont have many college memories without him in it (until this year of course). In Thailand he told me that he doesnt want to be friends with me because of our "history". I dont have any freakin idea what that means. It could mean A)because of our chemistry, he doesnt want to be tempted to do anything stupid with me or B)we have too many memories together that he wants to forget and being friends would remind him of them, or something like this.  either way he's being immature about things. i never asked to be best friends with him, i just asked to be friendly when we cross paths...and he can't even do that. ignoring my presence and telling my roomate that he hates me and doesnt give a shit about me is fucking immature and hurtful. and it doesnt even make any sense! I never did anything to him to warrant him to hate me and saying that he doesnt give a shit about me makes me sad because it means that he's forgotten all of the the good memories we had together. if he's done that, i feel like i should too. but apparently, there is some part of me that is holding on to those memories and wont let go. its really annoying, and i truely wish i could just forget them. but, its pretty much impossible to erase someone from your memories when they made such an impact in your life.

now, this isnt to say that i'm still in love with T, cause i'm not. I just miss the memory of us. I know we can never be together again (at least right now anyways) and i'm not hoping we get together in the future. I just don't know what will happen in the future, so anything is possible. like i've said before, the only thing i believe in is fate, so if its meant to be, it will happen.

i dont really know the point of me writing this. i heard a song that reminded me of what happened between us and i guess i just got to thinking. whatever.

Give it to me baby!

[10 Mar 2008|04:11am]
[ mood | jet-lagged and sick ]

people are stupid.

IQP partners that are retarded, really really suck.

im actually excited about the fact that i'm single. I like the fact that i'll now have more time for myself. i'm going to get into a work-out routine and cook awesome meals for myself (inbetween studying of course). and just have fun with friends.

what else.....

there is a mouse living in our apartment in worcester. actually, its living in the bottom of one of our couches. GROSS. and there is something living in my ceiling. probably a squirrel. which is FANTASTIC. j/k about the fantastic part.

uuuummmmm i hate the cold weather.

i spent way too much money on books while in thailand. but reading is good, right?

i need a haircut SO BAD. i definitely have a slight mullet right now (the asian mullet is the 'in' look in thailand, so when they cut my hair, they didnt go as short as i'd like with the lower back of my hair...)...

did i mention how i hate the cold weather? yeah. i do. a lot.

its 4:15 in the AM. but it feels like 4:15 PM to me. therefore i'm not sleepy. therefore when classes start in about 36 hours, i'm gonna be alllllll kinds of fucked up.

Give it to me baby!

Accidental Poem from iTunes [06 Feb 2008|12:36pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I’ll be that girl

I’ll cry instead

I’ll get you

I’m going slightly mad

I’m happy just to dance with you

I’m in touch with your world

I’m lost without you

I’m the least you could do

I am an illusion

I am in love with you

I believe in you

I call your name

I can’t win

I feel fine

I feel love

I have seen

I hope you die

I know

I like the way you move

I miss you

I saw her standing there

I saw it on your keyboard

I should have known better

I still remember

I want it all

I want to hold your hand

I want you

I want you

I will follow you into the dark

Give it to me baby!

my patience is wearing thin... [29 Jan 2008|06:48am]
[ mood | fucking pissed off ]

I didnt think this would happen, but im getting pretty homesick in thailand. The project sucks, we have a ton of work to do, our advisors are assholes, my best friend here is turning out to be a mean condescending douche bag, and people are just annoying the fuck out of me. I miss craig and jessica, and hell, im even starting to miss dan. Never thought that would happen, but im getting little twinges of jealousy when i think about him potentially dating someone else. its retarded. im being so retarded. I really hope that i feel better, fast. I hate feeling like crap.

I'm planning a trip for 11 of us to travel to an island for our 3 day weekend that starts on friday, and its such a pain in the ass. I cant just call these hotels, they have to be booked through email which takes time and then if hotels arent available i have to try to find somewhere else and then of course 2 people have to try to back out as soon as i find a place that will accommodate all of us. People are so fucking stupid, and i hate trying to plan things in groups. i dont even like half of the people here and they just piss me off. no one knows how to make a decision when i ask them a simple question such as, "do you want to go here or here?" and no one fucking says anything.

i hate stupid people. so much.

Give it to me baby!

[16 Jan 2008|01:48am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Dan and i broke up for many a reason, but mainly because there was just something MAJOR missing from our relationship, i dont know that it is, but i couldnt really be myself around him and he's wayyyyy too closed minded for me. conservatives...haha. He definitely loved me enough to want to be with me forever, and i never felt that way towards him. As much as i wanted to love him, i just couldnt. I know what its like to want to be with someone forever, and i definitely did not feel like that whatsoever, but i wish i did. He loved me and was willing to do anything for me, and I just felt terrible that i couldnt be that for him. It wasnt fair to either of us.

Give it to me baby!

[25 Oct 2007|04:26pm]
Things with Dan are going great. He's absolutely wonderful. I went home with him over break to his hometown in mass. we went to an apple farm and met his mom and sister there. They are both really nice, along with the rest of his family of course. We bought cider and went on a hay ride (sans hay...which was strange). he took me to this awesome park right by his house where he did his eagle scout project (haha, yeah, im dating a boyscout) and we checked out the animals they had there and then we went out to dinner w/ his family @ Uno's. It was such a nice day, and im so glad his family is so nice. And i def. think they like me too. Of course meeting his sister was probably the scariest thing, cause she's his big protective sister. haha. Dan is TERRIFIED to meet my dad. cause my dad is 6'4'' and dan is only 5'8''. haha. One of these days we'll go back to CT for a weekend or something.

Classes though....my social science class i must take before Thailand is going to KILL ME. Along with the whole fact that we basically need to write up a million pages of our project before we even get to thailand! I'm overloading by 1/6 of a course. I have group projects comming out of my ass this term! There's IQP, then there's my biochem project on colorblindness, and of course this stupid bio project on oral rehydration therapy. Every term is just as shitty or shittier than the previous. I always feel like im not going to make it through without freaking out...usually i do freak out, and then some how get A's. Like last term...of course i had to fail one class in order to do so...but that was my goal. Fail the bullshit class and get A's in the other ones. Last night I almost cried last night at Dan's cause i was stressing already. this whole stressing thing really needs to stop. I'm tempted to quit diving. I'm definitely going to talk to my boss and quit that job. He needs me to make stupid posters for advocating ways to stay healthy and drink responsibly, but i dont give a crap and dont know how to use microsoft publisher to make the posters. He needs someone who can do a good job, do the job on time. I just am too irresponsible this term to do so with all of the stuff on my plate. wpi is just an ongoing cycle of hell. i really hope that life after wpi isnt as stressful. I need a relaxing, but interesting job that pays a lot...but then again everyone wants that.

i talked with T for a long time last night at this thai dinner thing. it was nice. At first maybe a bit awkward, but the awkwardness went away after a bit. but I liked catching up with him. he does seem to have changed a lot. of course we are both very different people now. but i dont think its a bad thing on either of our parts. just different. i'm just happy we can have a nice pleasant conversation. haha.
1 Oh Yeah|Give it to me baby!

[16 Oct 2007|07:21pm]
[ mood | happy ]

so i have a new boyfriend. his name is dan. he's awesome. we met at a party like 10 days ago. The night of the party we danced all night and he drove me home, walked me to my door, and kissed me on the cheek. I havent met a sweet guy like that in forever. most guys just wanna have fun if you know what i mean, and im not into that.

I've always known who he was but we've never talked. and I know that starting a relationship after only knowing each other for like a week seems kinda quick, but we decided to start a relationship now rather than just being friends for a while because we spend a ton of time together and feel as if we know eachother well enough(we tend to hang out all night...we need to break that habit, haha. we ended up going to denny's at 2 AM the night before finals, haha) he is the sweetest guy ever. and he's wicked sexy. wicked. he's like...the first guy i've dated that has muscle. haha. its niiiice. and allll he does is make me laugh. we laugh together 24/7. and honestly, if a guy can make me laugh, he's golden. he's from north attleboro mass which isnt too far away, and he speaks german which is so fun. and we can talk on the phone for hours. i havent found a guy that i can talk to for that long since Brian in 9th grade!

mmm. he makes me happy.

Give it to me baby!

[06 Oct 2007|07:18am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

some people cannot take a fucking hint, or they don't get it when i pretty much tell them straight out how i feel.


1 Oh Yeah|Give it to me baby!

[29 Sep 2007|03:46pm]
so that last entry sounded like i did something terrible, but i didnt mean to make it sound that bad. haha. so there. i just do stupid shit sometimes and its gonna come around to bite me in the ass. shit happens.
Give it to me baby!

[29 Sep 2007|10:03am]
sometimes i make bad life choices.

but like i said, everything happens for a reason...right? yup...right. i'll figure out what that reason is one of these days. after dealing with the hell for a bit. yup.

but its ok, i am always fully aware of my actions as well as the consequences.

"you reap what you sew"

amen to that.
1 Oh Yeah|Give it to me baby!

there is no such thing as perfect or bad timing...because everything happens for a reason [28 Sep 2007|12:43pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i've learned to live life w/o regrets. regretting your mistakes is so fucking pointless because it isnt like you can change the past. and everything does happen for a reason. And hell, everything that happens, good or bad, teaches you so much about yourself and about life in general. i dont regret breaking up with T for craig after last christmas and basically ruining our entire relationship. i dont wish that T hadn't cheated on me with his new gf this summer and left me for her. Yes it was a difficult time for me, but it taught me soooo freakin much. it taught me that life is not worth trying to plan out and that it should be taken one day at a time. It taught me that i can be a strong person. It taught me patience! I was the most impatient person you would have ever met last year. But now I just sit back and wait. Whatever happens will happen and there is no use in getting all worked up and impatient about anything. And hell, if things dont work out, get the fuck over it. It is so crazy how different i am now. and i love it. i dont take everything to heart anymore. its amazing. so, thanks T. Thanks for fucking me over this summer. i truely appreciate it now.

Give it to me baby!

[26 Sep 2007|09:04pm]
today was such a nice day to relax and get some needed ME time. I got all my laundry done, got my hair cut, ran some errands, went out to an awesome dinner with Craig. we had some much needed life stuff to talk about :) Although, practice was HORRIBLE today. i just could not catch my breath the entire time, and of course got some of THE WORST cramps in my calf. fucking swimming...haha, i need diving to start NOW. And i've decided to fail one of my classes. If i fail this class, basically it will be erased from my record, as if i never took it, because you cant technically fail a class at wpi. which is sweet! i'm just behind one math class. i figured taking statistics would be easy....DEFINITELY NOT. i've also decided to stay a biochem major. which means i still need another math class, so i'm taking differential equations instead one of these terms. i heard its easy if you're good at calculus, and i love it so i'll get an A. rather than getting a C in stats. fuck that shit...besides, i wanna concentrate on my other classes and get those grades up. and i want my GPA to stay nice :)

and by the way, i am so SICK OF MEN LATELY. i've been bombarded by guys that all wanna be with me (when i dont like them at all) and i cant handle it anymore. yeah, i know you're thinking "oh poor you" but yeah. i know what i want, and its none of the guys that are chasing after me! and you know how i hate hurting peoples feelings, so having to turn a bunch of guys down really sucks. haha. thats what i hate about guys and having crushes on me, is having to turn them down. but im not gonna just settle for some guy that likes me. sorry, but i have had enough relationship experience to know what i want and need from someone. there is only one person i felt as if i truely wanted to be with, and thats out of the question and im over it. so...yeah...so far, me = single and i like it that way.
1 Oh Yeah|Give it to me baby!

[25 Sep 2007|07:40pm]
[ mood | sooo irritated ]

i am so freakin busy lately trying to get my grades up and everyone just wants to hang out with me! i dont have time for anything really. the only day i give myself for some real fun is saturday/night and maybe friday night. every other day is devoted to homework. which blows. and is lame. but its what i have to do.

and then noah decided to contact me and try to hang out while he's home from iraq for another week. So we make plans (we made these plans last thursday) for him to come up to WPI on tuesday night (tonight) and go out to dinner to catch up and whatnot. He was supposed to call me sometime yesterday or today to let me know what time he'd be here and all that jazz. so i've been expecting a phone call or something all day and he never contacted me. so 5:15 comes around and he finally leaves me a number to call him at. so i call him and he's like, 'yah i already made plans tonight, but i could come over around 10 if you wanted?' (meanwhile we made plans to go out to dinner tonight last thursday!) so we agreed on him comming up later tonight. an hour later he leaves me a message on AIM being like, "yeah, i cant ditch who i made plans with tonight so maybe thursday!" he seriously is such an ass. i dont even know why i agreed to see him anyways. we made plans for tonight like 5 days ago, and then he goes and makes plans to go out tonight and ditch me, and then expect me to clear my schedule for him to come another night? i dont think so. i'm so fucking busy. i dont have time for bullshit. i dont even want to see him, he was the worst boyfriend i've ever had! i dont even know why i considered to see him! i truely dont. i know he'll read this. so dont bother trying to make plans with me again. or talking to me on aim. or talking to me ever.

Give it to me baby!

[18 Sep 2007|11:18pm]
[ mood | drained ]

im exhausted. my brain is mush. i have an overwhelming amount of work to do and no motivation to do it besides the fact that i will fail if i dont. im going to end up getting all C's this term, NO LIE. right now i have a C average in all my classes. I keep studying and my grades still suck. mostly because i'm taking 4 courses (when we're supposed to take only 3 at the moment) and now swimming started. i dont even think i should be doing swimming. but i want the exercise...and my social life is diminishing because of my courses. and i think Ben has finally decided to avoid me in order to continue his relationship with his girlfriend. its kind of unfortunate, but there will be other hot guys out there that are awesome and that want to be with me. i suppose i'm getting lonely. it was nice having him sleep over and cuddle with him all night. i mean...the single life is pretty fun. but meh. i love to be in love. i'm pretty stressed out at the moment. i feel as if because im so drained and miserable physically and mentally, that i'm searching for someone to make everything better (because it was easier to get through the hell when you have someone there who loves you and cares about you). ugh. i'm so miserable. part of me feels as if im doing so shitty in school because i dont have someone there for me to lean on. i have to get out of that mindset, otherwise this whole year will be terrible.

1 Oh Yeah|Give it to me baby!

Oasis - "Wonderwall" [12 Sep 2007|08:58pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
but I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Give it to me baby!

[07 Sep 2007|10:00am]
last night he goes, "so good news (meanwhile we're cuddling), me and the girl are gonna stay together...i guess you know, we're both just overwhelmed with new people and such, but we're gonna stay together. she's kinda doing the same thing we are. but...we're not going to do this many more times."

and i was like, "well...that's unfortunate, but whatever. i'll live. i guess i saw this comming anyways..."

stupid boys and stupid weird situations. now i have to try to move on AGAIN. not that i was really attached, but i was so excited cause he's just so awesome. what were the odds that this wicked hot guy had the most amazing personality, and he was showing interest. i dont usually have good luck with this sort of thing...and clearly i still dont.
2 Oh Yeahs|Give it to me baby!

[06 Sep 2007|12:30pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

so this boy. has a girlfriend. but. they might be on a break (and this break is just because they are long distance and his girlfriend cant handle it really...but we all know what breaks are...she just started college...so...) but he flirts like crazy, he slept over my apartment last night after we did hw, and we talked for hours and cuddled alllll night. and. he still talks about his g/f in good ways. but. he totally acts like he's interested in me. i just dont know what to make of all this. because i can really see us being in a relationship together eventually. and i really want that, whenever the time comes (clearly not right now or even if he really did officially break up with his girlfriend and want to move on, it wouldnt be a good time...i dont wanna be a rebound chick). I am really really starting to like him, and the last thing i need to do is fall for a guy that's taken or that...i dont know. i feel as if he's just going to lead me on like crazy and then the next minute be like, "oh, i dont know what you're talking about, i was never interested in you in any way besides friendship." i truely dont exactly know what to do about this. i think im gonna just let him do what he's gonna do and bring things up when he's ready i suppose. i'll just take things one day at a time. after all, i have learned to have a lot of patience over the past year. patience is all i need. besides, there is no use in rushing things, i dont want to fuck things up. i can really see this going somewhere if he does decide that he wants to be with me. the last thing i want is to ruin it all by rushing.

1 Oh Yeah|Give it to me baby!

[04 Sep 2007|10:09am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

and i seriously think that i'm over T. i saw a picture of him kissing his girlfriend and it didn't even make me flinch. i'm enjoying the single life for the most part. although, i am interested in someone...but he kinda has a girlfriend, but they're long distance and iffy. but he seems interested. so. maybe thats good news. with my terrible luck he doesn't want to have another relationship but wants to be fuck buddies instead...THATS NOT going happen! he doesn't seem to be that kinda guy though, so hopefully things will work out!

but yeah. i guess a lot has happened over the past week, and it has all helped me move on. i'm finally happy again.

tonight i'm going to see Mute Math with Craig in Boston!!! yay! i seriously love Craig so much, in the complete friendship way. he's one of my best friends, i can tell him anything, and i'm sooooo happy that the fling thing we had last year didn't ruin things. it pisses me off when people think we like each other or that there is still something going on between us (T always felt that way and i wanted to shoot him for thinking that). We seriously just realized that we really didn't like each other in the relationship way, but in the friend way, and thats it. thats it. nothing more. we'll always just be friends. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Give it to me baby!

boys are so crazy [02 Sep 2007|11:03am]
so i've FINALLY embraced the partying aspect of college. haha. instead of wondering what i'm going to be doing on a friday night, i call up some people to see where the parties are, or bring the parties to my place. i'm not saying i get wasted all the time, cause i dont. its all about moderation and just having a good time. :)

i definitely had a crazy sober night last night. first i got to experience don/max (T's roomates) throwing mouse traps and each other and Joe and andrew. Then I went to Russel Street Party Time (RSPT, so they call themselves) where they were having a blacklight party. i still have a penis drawn on my back in highlighter. i partied with like 20 people and only like 2 people i sorta knew. i watched a guy eat about 7 regular sized hot pockets (that was nasty) and i found out that many of the men there were wearing thongs. and they showed them to everyone. haha. i still believe that men should never wear thongs. even hot ones. only hot women should wear them. agreed? yes.
Give it to me baby!

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